The bingeing started at 6 years old. It felt like giving myself a warm hug from the inside.
I was so lonely as a child – lonely and isolated to the point where it was physically painful. So I cared for myself the only way I knew how…bingeing and stuffing my face.
I always associated being beautiful with being in danger. So I ate to protect myself. And with every ounce of padding I gained, the safer I became.
If I were perfect in my fathers eyes – I’d be thin, pale, docile, obedient – the perfect trophy wife with 10 children. I’d be a sacrificial martyr living out his fantasies of what a woman should be like in the world.
If I could tell that little 6 year old girl anything now, I’d tell her…
“You’re the most beautiful, precious human I know. And just you wait- the love that you’re so desperate for – that you’ve never felt? The warmth, humor, kindness that you’re craving from others? Sweetie, you’ll become the person you’ve always needed in your life.”